Remember when the “love of your life” told you that you would never leave “the friend zone”?  Was there anything more crushing as a teenager than to hear that?  I had the good fortune of spending last weekend with my fourteen-year-old nephew and as good uncles tend to do, found myself asking annoying, probing questions to him about his “love life.”

“Are you dating anyone? Is there anyone you’re interested in at school? Are you sure you don’t have a crush on someone? Who? Who is it?” The answer I received, after much prodding, was “oh my god, please stop… I do like someone, but they’ve made it very clear we’re just in the friend zone.” It brought back memories – and not necessarily good ones!

Ugh, what a blow to the ego!

I’ve mentioned to a few of my fundraising professional colleagues how much I hate it when organizations address solicitations letters to “Dear Friend.”  To me, it just feels incredibly impersonal and tells the donor that you don’t know much about them – not even their first name!

Philanthropy is supposed to be about bringing together people and passions, but if you don’t even know someone’s basic information – how can you make that connection?

When putting together a direct mail or an e-mail solicitation, you have to use make sure it’s personalized with first name and the correct salutation.

⟶ First Name

Using someone’s first name is the most basic thing you should be doing. It’s a simple mail merge field in every letter and regardless of how tedious it might feel, you must do this. 

⟶ Preferred Name

When I was a kid, anytime I did something wrong my parents would use my full, first name — Michael — and sometimes if it was really bad, it was Michael James. But anyone who knows me after college knows that I use Mike.  If you come up to me at an event and say, “Hi Michael, how are you?” I know you don’t know me.  

⟶ Spouse

Somewhere along the line, my wife’s undergraduate alma mater started to address things to both of us. They took the time to add into their database my name and that stands out, so consider capturing this information, especially if you’re a school or college. I keep waiting for mine to do the same – and so does my wife. 

⟶Preferred Pronouns

An increasing number of nonprofit organizations are beginning to, rightfully, confirm preferred pronouns with their donor base.  There’s an opportunity here for you to be ahead of the pack and stand out to show your donors that things like this are important to your organization. 

You have to capture this information and put it into your database.  Asking someone for their preferred name or spouse’s name is great – but you have to input that into your database and use it! Don’t just write it down one time – insist that this gets put into your database and is regularly referred to.

One sure way to exit the friend zone is to show people (and donors) that you really care about them. 

Show your donors the love and attention they deserve by doing these small but important things to build a deeper bond!

About the Author

Michael J. Buckley, CFRE is a career fundraising professional and Founder and Managing Partner of The Killoe Group. His firm assists nonprofit organizations increase revenue, exposure and capacity through smart, data driven, successive decisions and effective planning. Mike’s experience and passion for the profession of fundraising have made him a sought-after speaker, consultant and presenter. The Killoe Group’s broad experiences include annual campaign audits and management, capital campaign leadership, feasibility studies, interim program leadership, board governance, strategic planning and capacity building.